WHY OH WHY

12mn, the time when my mind and body shut down automatically. But it's past 1AM already and dozing off seems to be one hell of a difficult task for me. I couldn't sleep. Am I thinking of her too much? Or is it really her who I'm thinking of or the pain that she's going through right now? I hate to admit it but yeah, I'm affected. I'm affected twice as much as she is. It's just so frustrating because I know that even if I do everything to ease her pain, I still couldn't make her feel better. What else could be more excruciating than to know that the woman you love all your life is going through some deep emotional torture and you couldn't do anything about it? Ugh! It sucks big time!!!

Sighs. A few questions popped out of my head a while ago...

-WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE?
When I was just a kid, I always asked mom why dad left us. I asked her why dad chose his other woman than us. These questions made me grow up to the sound of mom's sweet voice saying "Everything happens for a reason. Everything that is happening to us is the will of God." I believed this for so long but now, I'm beginning to question it. Does it mean the bad things that happen to people are all will of God? I thought God would not let anything bad happen to us, especially to the good ones. But it seems that all the good people I know are the ones who are suffering. So why bad things happen to good people? Why, why, why and why? Hey mom, if you're reading this post from the heavens, please ask God to send me an answer. :)

-WHY IS PAIN NOT TANGIBLE?
We could not change the course of the wind and flow of events in our life so I wish pain is something tangible so whenever life throws us into a painful situation, we could just hold our pain, grab it on the neck and literally throw it away.


-IF GOD CONDEMNS ADULTERY AND INFIDELITY, THEN WHY MEN ARE SAID TO BE POLYGAMOUS IN NATURE?
God created MEN, right?

Maybe all these would sound silly to you but I really could not help but to ask these to myself. Can anyone send me an answer? Lolz.

tonight i wanna cry

Alone in this house again tonight. I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine. There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me, the way that it was and could have been surrounds me ... I'll never get over you walkin' away.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show. And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control but I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain. To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes... Tonight I wanna cry...

Would it help if I turned a sad song on. "All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone. Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters. It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
but I'll never get over you by hidin' this way.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show. And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control but I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain. To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes... Tonight I wanna cry...


DAMN YOU KEITH URBAN! YOUR SONG MAKES ME WANNA CRY TONIGHT. REALLY.

i am now a hypocrite!

hey!it's been quite a while. here i go again, turning on my emotional television. so many unexpected things happened in the past weeks. hypocrisy is something i hate. i'm just not so good at pretending but this time, i couldn't believe that i'm doing it. i'm faking everything when me, mom and dad are together. nothing can be more excruciating than forcing yourself to fake a smile, a tap... everything! i have never been a pathological people pleaser too. i don't care what other people would think about me, but now am trying so very hard to please mom. i love her so much and i understand that doing things i hate can ruin the effin' and diminishing happiness i have but if this is the only way to please mom, to make her happy and to see her smile, then i'd be a hypocrite and a trying hard people pleaser all my life, no matter how hard it is for me to pretend that me and dad are okay. dad and mom got reconciled by the way and i dunno if this is a good thing or not. does it take to be old and broke before you realize your mistakes and see the invisible? maybe yes, for my dad and all i can say is that's one heck of a crap!!! i had learned to live my life w/o dad and it doesn't matter if he's there or not. forgive me oh lord if i can't forgive. sure, i can forgive him but not now i think. the wounds and the twinge are still so damn fresh and they get even worse everytime i see him. geez!

UNSENT MESSAGES

All my bags are packed and im ready to go so now im singin...bye-bye miss american pie coz im leaving on a jet plane. dunno when ill be back again...oh babe, i hate to go. Tsk!aalis na naman ako.ayoko sana pero kailangan.mamimiss ko na naman ang manila, ang alagang pusa ni yaya, ang kwarto ko at higit sa lahat ang tropa ko.dahil nahulog sa bowl ng sinigang ang phone ko, natambakan tuloy ako ng unsent messages.lolz!sa totoo lang hindi lang naman sa cellfone mayrong unsent messages.kapag may isang bagay kang hindi nasabi sa isang tao, parang text message din yon na hindi na-send dahil naubusan ng load, lowbat o kaya may network problem.may network problem rin naman tayong mga tao.marami tayong bagay na hindi natin nasasabi sa mga taong importante sa atin.katulad na lang ng simpleng mahal kita o importante ka, o kaya mas maganda ka pa kay karylle at mas sexy ka kaysa kay jessica alba.lolz!dahil love month naman ngayon, naisipan ko lang daanin sa blog ang unsent messages na matagal ng nakaimbak sa green kong utak.nakakahiya kasi magdrama in real life e.lolz!kaya dadaanin ko na lang sa love letter.para sa mga baliw pero the best kong tropa, taena huwag niyong basahin ito kung ayaw niyong mabuwisit!lolz!

BRUCE: pare! pakyu!lolz!i hate you dahil lagi na lang na magkaribal tayo.lolz!dahil iisa tayo ng gusto, muntik na kitang hamunin ng suntukan sa kanto.haha!

NATHAN: oi engineer na karpintero!lolz! magtino ka na dahil malapit ka ng magka-apo!*laughing my ass out*

JUN-JUN: dre, mag-ingat sa pangongolekta ng babae.baka mahuli ka ni kumare.hahaha!ang gusto ko talagang sabihin e ituro mo naman sa akin ang secret ingredient mo para mahumaling din sa akin ang babaeng gusto ko.lolz!

JOSHIE: beshie-sexie-joshie!ikoclone ko ang sarili ko para may babanat sakaling muling sumalakay ang stalker mo.sana pagbalik ko, may inaanak na ako.magmahalan kayo ni dong mo.naks!alam ko naman na hindi mo ako mami-miss.*puppydogeyes* lolz!

LYKA: rakenrol lyks!pagbalik ko dala ko na ang gitarang gusto mo.kaya lang baka katulad ni jun-jun e meron ka ng apo kapag nakabalik ako.lolz!

sa totoo lang nalulungkot talaga ako.mami-miss ko talaga kayo.todo na ito!ito yata ang pinakamalungkot na stage ng buhay ko ngayon.kahit mas gusto ko ang rock music napapakanta ako ng torn between two lovers feeling like a fool.loving you both is breaking all the rules.importante kayo pero importante din sa akin ang mga tao sa kabilang ibayo ng mundo.tsk!kung si kuya germs sumisigaw ng walang tulugan, ako naman walang limutan.ang makalimot, taena!lolz!akala ko kaya ko talagang sabihin ang gusto kong sabihin.hindi pala.itatapon ko na lang muna ang ticket ko.lolz!inuman na lang tayo!

SPOILER

Uh-oh! Na-miss ko ang manila. Parang music tuloy sa pandinig ko ang maiingay na bus sa Ayala. I came back just to see my old rusty guitar. I could not wait for February so here I am... I'm turning 25 a few days from now and i want to celebrate my birthday here with my best buddies. My birthday is actually one of the happiest days in the calendar of my life. Paanong hindi sasaya e baliw ang mga tropa ko. Right at this moment I'm wondering kung anong kink cakes design naman ang makikita ko at kung ano-anong kalokohang surprises. Favorite nila ang kink cakes kaya laging present kapag birthday ko. pag birthday ko tawa ako ng tawa. Last year, dinalhan nila ako ng super naughty cake along with a G.R.O. And I was like....O-M-G!!!!! And speaking of surprises, i will just pretend that i know nothing about the surprise being prepared by the best people in the world, headed by a celebrity look-a-like, petite, pretty and sexy woman! Thanks for the term "wrong-sent". lolz. Lagot si bruce kay joshie.

IF I WAS THE ONE

I see the way he treats you, I feel the tears you cry and it makes me sad and it makes me mad coze there's nothin' I can do, baby. Cuz your lover is my best friend. I guess that's where the story ends. So I've gotta try to keep it inside.You'll never be mine.

But if I was the one who was loving you, the only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy. And if I was by your side, you'd never know one lonely night. If it was my arms you were running to, I'd give you love in these arms of mine...If I was the one in your life...

If I could have just one wish, I'd wish that you were mine. I would hold you near, kiss away those tears. I'd be so good to you. You're the one I want next to me. But I guess that's just not meant to be. He's there in your life, he's sharing your nights and I'll never be right.


I want to reach out and feel you beside me. Right here, right now, right beside me.
And take you in my arms right now and scream I love you right out loud. Then someday I'll pray I'll find the strength to turn to you and say...

...if I was the one who was loving you, the only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy. And if I was by your side, you'd never know one lonely night. If it was my arms you were running to, I'd give you love in these arms of mine...If I was the one in your life...

I LOOOOOOVE THIS SOOOOOOOOOOONG!

TRADING PLACES

gusto ko pa sanang mag-stay sa pinas ng matagal-tagal dahil marami pa akong friends na dapat maka-bonding before i leave. but life isn't so kind coz i have to go right after christmas. my grandama was rushed to the hospital because she had a mild stroke. i dunno what the hell is goin on lately. isa-isang nadadala sa hospital ang mga loved ones ko, and of course i worry a lot. a few days ago, my bestfriend was rushed to st. luke's med center. she said she's okay but i really don't think so... then the next day, si grandma and yesterday, si mom. oh good lord!

bcoz things aren't flowing smoothly lately, i decided to go to starbucks, alone. pinagtawanan ako ni bestfriend coz she knows na hindi talaga ako nagkakape and goin out ALONE is really a NO-NO for me. after an hour, i decided to go then paglabas ko ng starbucks, a street kid approached me... kuya pahingi po ng barya. pambili ng pagkain. i reached for my pocket and gave him a few coins. hahai... it saddens me to see street kids talaga. naalala ko ang mga tao sa starbucks. there are people who spend hundreds of bucks for a cup of coffee, samantalang may mga tao na hindi makabili kahit nescafe lang. if i would be given a chance na maging mahirap for one day (one day lang. lolz), i would not hesitate to grab the opportunity. it sounds crazy pero seryoso, gusto ko talaga. pero one day lang talaga.lolz. since childhood, nakukuha ko ang lahat ng gusto ko in terms of material things tapos ganito pa ako. reklamo pa ng reklamo. na-guilty tuloy ako. kung may punishment para dito at papipiliin ako ng punishment, gusto kongmagpalit muna kami ng kalagayan nong street kid. (but again, one day lang talaga. lolz.) i just wanted him to experience a life that doesn't revolve around the noisy and dangerous streets, even for a day.

but since hindi pwede ang iniisip ko, gusto kong sumama sa gift-giving activity tomorrow ni mica para naman makagawa ako ng maganda. may dalawang scholars si mom. dapat ako may gawin din. bakit ba hindi ko yon naisip dati? tsk!